April 12, 2011

Chili Con Carne

A cowboy walks into a seedy bar in Medicine Bow, Wyoming.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and, in his best cowboy manner, says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over, slides the bowl over to his place, and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking, and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

February 4, 2011

The Old Coot

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector - not wanting to get a toe blown off - started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.


The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."






There are a few lessons for us all here:


Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

February 2, 2011

Cobblestones

Two nuns are riding their bicycles down an old Paris street when one nun says to the other: "I've never come this way before!"

"Yeah, me neither!" replies the other nun, breathlessly. "I think it's the cobblestones!"

February 1, 2011

The Urologist

A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took his urologist's advice and entered the hospital for a routine circumcision.
When he came to, he was perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around his hospital bed.
"What's up doc?" he asked nervously.
"Uh, well......there's been a bit of a mix-up," admitted his surgeon.
"I'm afraid that instead of a circumcision, we performed a sex-change operation on you.
You now have a very nice vagina instead of a penis."
"What!" gasped the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"
"Oh, I'm sure you will, reassured the doctor, "only it'll be somebody else's."

January 31, 2011

The Bee Sting !!

Playing Golf

A husband and wife were playing golf together when the man's wife was severely stung by a bee.

The husband ran quickly back to the clubhouse, looking for a doctor.

"Come quickly!" he said. "my wife's been stung by a bee."

"Where was she stung?" asked the doctor.

"Between the first and second holes." shouted the husband.

"Wow," replied the doctor, "she must have a very wide stance!"

January 30, 2011

Texting Codes for Seniors

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there is a pressing need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).  If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.


ATD:    At The Doctor's
BFF:    Best Friend Farted
BTW:   Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM:  Covered By Medicare
CUATSC:  See You At The Senior Center
DWI:    Driving While Incontinent
FWB:   Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI:      Found Your Insulin
GGPBL:  Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA:    Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO:   Is My Hearing Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL:     Living On Lipitor
LWO:    Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My - Sorry, Gas.
ROTFL:  CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL:    Talk To You Louder
WAITT:  Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA:   Wet The Furniture Again
WTP:     Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
WMDP:  Where's My Damn Phone?
GLKI:  Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

January 28, 2011

Two Sisters in Transylvania

Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little vampire jumps onto the bonnet of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking vampire about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.

The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f@#! off the windshield!"
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